Craptacular One Shot Weird Lost Story!
by TheEvilTrafficCone
Summary: What if the bird that yelled out Hurley's name could write also and it had a journal? Also, Charlie has a discussion with an IM policeman on the computer in the hatch. Wow, I'm so screwed, u should not read this stuff cuz it will cause ur mind to explod
1. Chapter 1: Hurley's Bird & IM

**A/N: So, I was bored and decided to write stuff from the bird's point of view in Live Together Die Alone. Then I wrote what Charlie would say on the comp in the hatch, God, you guys can tell I'm down to the wire and going crazy! Anyway this is a one shotter and I'll accept flames or whatever. I'll understand if ur completely like wtf.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, but I do own Fox! (Lol not really)**

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Dear Diary,

Oh my God! Today I finally worked up enough courage to talk to Hurley, well sort of. I decided to tell him how I felt when he, the doc, the con man, the dude who hurts my ears, and the chick convict were out in the jungle looking for Walt. So I was like stealthily following them and being all I'm- undercover-and-totally-rock like when they stopped for a moment. Then I flew down and shouted Hurley! Hurley! I freaked out when Hurley looked straight at me and I flew away. But he looked at me! He knows I exist! It feels like forever that I've been trying to get his attention. Unfortunately, now I feel like an idiot. I think I embarrassed him in front of his friends because he said, "Dude, did that bird just yell my name?" I knew I should have waited for a better time to confess my feelings for him. I probably came on too strong. Why can't anything work out the right way for me! Hurley why are you torturing my heart like this!

Fantasy: Hurley is running down the beach in slow motion as the bird is flying at him. A weird happy music is playing in the background. Then they both go get some ice cream. Hurley accidentally drops his and the two both start laughing. Finally, the two of them are seen in a small church called Li'l Chapel getting hitched.

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One day Charlie randomly pops into the hatch for button duty. When he sits down, he notices that he can type words into it.

**>:( Hello?**

**>:( Yo this is Charlie. Is there anyone in the bloody hell out there?**

**IM Police: Hello, this is the IM police. This is your first warning for using profanity. If you continue to do so, I will have to terminate your account. **

**>:( Ok, I'll say whatever the hell I want. I've been trapped on a sodin island for months!**

**IM Police: Sir, I will not warn you again.**

**>:( So you're an IM policeman, hows that working out for you? Meet any hot chicks out there:)**

**IM Police: I am not obligated to anwer that.**

**>:( Answer F :)**

**>:( U :)**

**>:( ur mom**

**IM Police: I am not joking. I will terminate you account.**

**>:( What's stopping you?**

**IM Police: Nothing.**

**>:( Are you a computer?**

**IM Police: No**

**>:( So ur human? Or maybe a smart dog.**

**IM Police: I'm human.**

**>:( Hey have you ever heard of a band called driveshaft?**

**IM Police: …No**

**>:( Well they rock. I'm the bass guitarist.**

**>:( You won't believe what me and the other survivors have been through on this island. Attacking polar bears, crashed planes, this button that we gotta push every 108 min and a dude named Ethan who tried to kill us. Not to mention the spooky monster that hides in the jungle.**

**IM Police: Yeah, sure.**

**>:( I wish I could sit on my ass all day like you do. And tell people not to cuss all day. How much do they pay you for that anyway?**

**IM Police: If you do that again, I will destroy your account.**

**>:( Maybe I'll just make another one. And the cycle will just keep repeating. Besides, you and me are like best buds. You wouldn't do that to me. I'll prove it 2 ya- shit**

**IM Police: Good bye sir.**

**>:( Bye Bye:) :) maybe we could hang out some time!**

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**A/N: Sooooo that was weird and pretty crapy. Send me hate mail! I love getting stuff like that, seriously it entertains me! 9 is a magic gypsy number! Chinchillas are friends not furs! Jockeys are elves!**

**Yeah and u guys are probably like this girl has no life! Which I don't. I'm writing this in the middle of the night!**

**Soylent Green is People! **


	2. Chapter 2: PO Sawyer

**A/N: So everyone wanted me to continue so I decide to add one of these lists even though everyone does it. Thanks for all the hate mail and reviews! I really enjoyed reading them! Yeah so I guess it's not a one shot thing.**

How To Piss Off Sawyer

Take a polar bear head and stick it in his bed so when he wakes up he will freak out

Replace all his stash with I Love Lucy memorabilia

Dig a huge hole in front of his tent and lay a blanket over it. Next to the blanket leave a picnic basket and a note saying "I'll be back in five minutes for our 'picnic' Love Kate." Wait for him to sit

Offer him free lessons on how to unscrew Oreos

Tie a boar to his tent and say it was from the real Sawyer

Suggest that he take anger management and offer to be his councilor

Hide frogs in his tent

Hide all his stuff and put them in a Halliburton case

Take all the bullets in his gun and replace them with bubble solution so next time he tries to shoot a polar bear bubbles come out

Offer to play I Never with him and constantly say I never killed a man and I never was gay

Ask him if he's bean eaten up by a blue tarp lately

Tell him to come down into the hatch when it's magnetizing so he'll stick to the walls with all the bullets in him.

Slap him across the face and when he asks why tell him you're the only one who hasn't attacked him today

Ask him if he has a vendetta against any other jungle animals

Ask him to reenact the time Ana Lucia got the gun from his pocket

Ask him if he's read Anger Management for Dummies yet

Pretend you are the son/daughter of a woman he conned and that you are calling yourself Sawyer Jr. Jr.

Tell him he should read the flight manifest so he can learn the real names of everyone

Tell him the reason he's so angry is because he doesn't open up to his feelings

Ask him why he won't make his move on Kate and that Jack got to her first

**A/N: This was in no way meant to offend any who likes Sawyer. But if u want to give me flames that would be awesome! Chinchillas are friends not furs! OK so R&R! Lost on an island far from home!**

**-TheEvilTrafficCone OUT! **

**Whales don't eat people, people eat people and it's called soylent Green! **


	3. Chapter 3: Water Wings

**A/N: I'm adding another chapter to this story because I just thought of a really strange idea, so here's the summary. What if Hurley found a solution to Charlie's no swimming problem. Hurley discovers a long lost pair of blow-up water wings and gives them to Charlie. Read and Review!**

One very hot day on the beach, Hurley and Charlie were talking. Their discussion danced around their lives back home and the insufferable heat wave that had ripped through the island.

A little farther off in the water was Claire with baby Aaron splashing in the clear ocean. Kate and Sawyer were swimming in the deeper water, splashing each other and laughing. While Jin was fishing in the distance and Sayid had also cooled down.

"Dude, I think I'm melting into the sand." Hurley said as sweat dripped down his forehead, "I can't take this any longer; I need to go for a swim. You wanna come?"

Charlie was just about to protest when Hurley remembered, "Oh yeah, that's right. You don't swim."

"Yeah," Charlie groaned, "I'm about as good in the water as Sawyer is at golf."

Everyone on the island knew that Sawyer sucked at golf. One day, Jack and Sawyer had played each other and Sawyer ended up taking eighteen shots for one hole. Then he bent one of the clubs out of anger.

"Well, that's too bad. Maybe I can help you." Hurley offered.

"Right. Do you know how many people have said that to me?"

"That doesn't matter, if I say I can teach you, then I'll teach, okay man?" Hurley smiled. He hurried off down the beach, "I'll have a solution to your problem by tomorrow!" He called back.

Hurley knew exactly where he was going when he left Charlie; he was going to Sawyer's tent. There was always a solution there; it was like a gold mine. Hurley hoped that Sawyer would be too distracted to notice him rummaging through his stuff.

He sneakily entered the makeshift tent made from blue tarp and bamboo. It was dim inside, but right away Hurley saw a pile of odd stuff in the corner. He sifted through it, looking for something useful. Playboy, sunscreen, Bad Twin, a tie? a bag if peanuts, some sunglasses, water wings, hair brush. Wait, Hurley got a mischievous grin on his face, water wings would be perfect!

Hurley grabbed them and quickly left the lion's den. He looked more closely at the deflated water wings. On them were repeating patterns of Snoopy printed on the cheap plastic. Hurley only hoped Charlie would where them.

Hurley returned to where Charlie was sitting in the sand, he hid the wings behind his back and approached the other man, "Yo Charlie!"

"What, back already?" He replied.

"Yep, I got it all sorted out. You can swim now with these, tah dah!" Hurley pulled the water wings out from behind his back and held them up.

Charlie stared at them, his eyebrows crinkled as he looked at Hurley, "You're joking." He said flatly.

"No you see, it says ages 3 and up." Hurley spoke, trying to keep a straight face.

"Uh huh, well Hurley I really think you found a spectacular solution." Charlie laughed, "Snoopy water wings, my favorite kind." Charlie took them as Hurley bent down laughing and gasping for breath.

"Hey, that's my stuff! You took my water wings!" Sawyer yelled as he saw them on the beach. He ran out of the water, coming toward them.

"Oh shit!" Charlie cursed as Sawyer came at them with an angry expression on his face.

"You'd better give them back or you'll have them stuck up you're ass Charlie!" Sawyer threatened.

Charlie was out of there, he ran down the beach for his life with the wet Sawyer on his tail. "They're water wings for Christ's sake." Charlie yelled as he fled Sawyer.

"Damn it! Give them back!"

But as Charlie heard the screaming threats of Sawyer he also realized that he was heading for the water and unable to turn back. Charlie slipped the water wings on and splashed into the water. Sawyer followed right in. One good thing, Charlie wasn't sinking but Sawyer had grabbed onto Charlie's shirt.

"Holy shit man!" Charlie yelled and splashed, trying to get away. He coughed as water entered his mouth.

By now, most of the beach had run over to see what all the commotion was about. Hurley explained to them what had happened and they looked in befuddlement at the screaming, cursing men struggling in the water, one with Snoopy water wings on.

Finally, Charlie made it out onto the beach and ripped the water wings off. He threw them at Sawyer.

"Here take them, just get the hell away from me!" He panted as he had a fearful and disturbed appearance.

"Finally, thank you." Sawyer also collapsed onto the beach, breathing heavily.

The two guys laid on the sand, soaked as Kate came up to them.

"Looks like we got a bunch of five-year-olds here." Kate remarked.

"He's the one who started it," Sawyer protested, "He took my water wings!"

"Did not, it was Hurley!" Charlie whined.

**A/N: Okay, read and review if u thought it was funny. I just add to this story whenever something pops into my head so it's not like I'll be updating frequently. Chinchillas are friends not furs!**


	4. Chapter 4: My DVDs!

**A/N: Hey I'm back again, okay so this one really can't be considered a Lost story, but it was something funny that happened. So don't get pissed off. Here we go.**

So I've been influencing one of my friends to watch Lost, let's call her Writing Fairy because that's her fanfic name. I was lending her my DVDs of Lost so she could catch up to the show.

Anyways, me and 16aqua, another one of my good friends decided to ride our bikes over to Writing Fairy's and deliver the DVDs. Everyone understand so far? Good. I was on my bike and stuck the Lost DVDs in the front so I could go faster, but all of a sudden, 16aqua and I see a big speed monitor by the bridge. It was put up by the cops to keep people from speeding and stuff, so we see it and I completely lose all logic. The only thing that runs through my mind is **cool!** I wanted to race by and see how fast I could go.

I told 16aqua to wait there and tell me how fast I could bike; before she could remind me off the DVDs I was already racing off. I was almost there when the case of DVDs flies out and opens up. Shiny disks go hurtling across the street and I turn around and see all this. The first thing that I scream was "MY DVDS!" "MY LOST DVDS!"

16aqua is behind me laughing and trying to grab all the disks splayed in the street. We frantically picked them up and crawled across the road. Meanwhile "normal" people are watching us and cars are coming down the street. One almost runs over disk five, the tires were dangerously close to demolishing it. We watched in horror at the site.

Finally we picked them all up and placed them back into the case, I checked them out and found that some of them had a few scratches on the surface. Disk five had a small chip on the side, so I'm not sure if that one will work. We arrived at Writing Fairy's house and handed her the scratched DVDs and told her of our experience. Thank God the last disk with the bloopers didn't fall out, that would be traumatizing.

The moral of this story is never carry DVDs on your bike and especially when you are racing a speed monitor. I've learned my lesson, my freakin DVDs are messed up. :-(


	5. Chapter 5: What REALLY Happened

**A/N: Okay so this parody is based on the third episode of the third season. It is what we think REALLY happened to Locke in the sweat house. So there are like seven different POVs in this chapter. FIGURE IT OUT! I"M NOT GONNA WASTE HALF THE STORY BABY FEEDING THIS TO YOU! **_What? Didn't you all know that more than a séance went on inside of the hidden tarped tent? If you didn't you're all stupid. Cuz I said so and I'm Writing Fairy so I'm always right. And yes we were insane when we wrote this…_

**Anyways, you have to ignore my snooty friend, she likes to write like a stuck up Brit. Yes she writes like a Brit. **

_I do NOT write like a BRIT! _

**Then explain why you like to talk like one?**

_Cuz it's cool and pisses you off and ya know what? It could come in handy one day when I'm an American hiding out in England from the officials and their looking for an American and I'm a freaking BRIT! _

**I think you had too many crumpets and tea.**

_And I think your soccer team actually needs to WIN a game before you can start dissing me! OOOOHHHH BUUUURRRRRNNNNN! _

**Well we did win one last week so (thows water and puts out burn) Ms. Hot flash**

_Okay. Colour me confused. But who were you playing? Five year olds? _

**More like seventeen year olds. Two years older than u!**

_Ri-ight. And I'm J.K. Rowling…but then again, maybe I _am

**Or maybe ur Mary Poppins seeing as you like to be little British women. Who believe in magic.**

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**Chapter 5: What REALLY happened in the Sweat House**

"You need to speak to the island?" Charlie asked giving Locke a VERY peculiar look.

Locke pointed, signaling that Charlie was correct. Then like five minutes later they constructed a sweat house into which Locke could find out if he was a hunter or a farmer. And he needed to ask the 'island' what to do next because there was absolutely no way he could have found out that he needed to find Eko on his own. That was _way_ beyond Locke's primal paganistic knowledge.

So Locke went into his sweat house with out his shirt, God ur so sexy!!!! Ur old enough to be my grandpa! But all the girls want you anyway. So, anywayz, Locke sat down on the ground and picked up his heroine based pudding. Hypocrite.

Then the late Boone with long girlish hair that blew back in the wind appeared. He also was clean shaven, almost like he had gone to a barber shop in heaven. And then he showed him a very unimportant drug induced hallucination that had absolutely nothing to do with the plot so we'll just skip it. Abridged version, find Eko, you stupid son of a bitch. OMG was that what the all powerful island was supposed to tell me!? I had no idea!

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Meanwhile Eko was like where the hell are Locke, Charlie, and Desmond! He was thinking this as the polar bear was chewing on his leg. He felt good; at least he was helping the polar bear with its toy deprivation! I mean, seriously! How many chew toys could there possibly be on this island! So, it was this though that kept him content with his role. This then brought him to wonder about his friends and how they were helping those around them in the name of God. Hmm, I guess they're just biding their time and waiting for the right moment. That's okay; I'm perfectly fine with it! I'll just put my trust in God, cuz he's not the reason I'm on the island in the first place!

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So then the island was thinking, Jesus Christ! These plane crash survivors are harder to kill than dandelions! I mean, come on! I imploded the freakin hatch and they're all still running around, and one of em's naked! I should just call an exterminator and get this problem fixed by a professional! It itches really bad!!! And all the runnin around they do, all the footprints they have left! Do they realize it hurts really really bad! And the time they exploded the hatch to get it open, I thought I'd never recover. I spent three weeks in physical therapy for those mother huggers! Change up a couple of letters and you can figure it out!

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Charlie was thinking as he waited outside the sweat room, so I wonder what Locke's doing in there? What could he and the island possible be chatting about? What if the island's a woman? Hmm. I wonder what could be going on in there? He did go in without his shirt on…

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Claire watched Charlie watching the sweat house which was in turn housing Locke. Charlie turned and was blocked by the bundle of tarps. Hmmm… Sometimes she had to wonder if there was some thing going on between Charlie and Locke. Or if there had been before. I mean, why else would Locke have gone in that stupid hut shirtless….then she had to wonder if Charlie was cheating on him with Eko…and then on Eko with her…hmmm… wellness. That's confusing. I'm just gonna sit down until my head stops spinning… hmm…I wonder why Aaron's down so close to the water….

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So then Desmond was streaking in the jungle.

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The island was like "Oh my God! Ugh! Put some cloths on! This isn't a nudist colony! That's my brother's specialty! You should see how big his tree is!"

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Then Hurley was walking in the jungle.

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"Ow! Ow! Ow! Could you stomp any harder!!! No! Don't sit down! Anything but that!" The island cried and moaned, "Oh man, I didn't need to see that! If I wanted to keep elephants around here I'd call my sister and tell her to drop by she weighs a ton, no make that three!"

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"What's that smell?" Sawyer drawled.

"What, I can't smell anything?" Kate questioned, stretching her slutty dress down so maybe it would reach her thighs and not reveal her ass to any more of the world.

Sawyer looked at her with a grim look on his face, "Old man, without a shirt on."

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"Wait a minute, wait a minute! You don't have to do that!" The island pleaded, he liked the short dress the wonderful inhabitants of his land had given the pretty girl to wear at her stay at the beautiful resort on the non murdering side of his space! Wait a second didn't we say this was a girl island? So it's a transvestite. Or bi or a lesbian, or a perverted southern island.

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**A/N: So read and review, did u get the whole long tree reference? I didn't I still have absolutely no idea what that means. **_You're stupid. It's the island's freaking dick. _**OMG I thought it was supposed to be its nose! **_God help me. And we're _friends. **(Rocks back and forth in a corner, OMG OMG OMG!)**_ I think she's going to have a fit! Where's the defibulater? She's traumatized for life through her realization from her séance! No more séances for you little missy. Listen to the Brit and you'll be just_

_...fine...uh-oh...what was that three digit number to call for help again..._


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